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SUSAN JOHNSTON OWEN-JAZZ  /  SITE OWNER/MUSICIAN, WRITER,ARTIST, ELEMENTARY AND SPECIAL EDUCATION TEACHER (RETIRED)

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  Humor

HUMOR

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Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you’re sleeping with.

You only see that the money is not the most important thing in life when you have it.

The pleasures of life can be both innocent and guilty.

Don’t complain about life, it may not have been there at first place.

The lessons of life are free, but they cost a lot.

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Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands — and then eat just one of the pieces. ~Judith Viorst


Look, there's no metaphysics on earth like chocolates. ~Fernando Pessoa


Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. ~Lora Brody


There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. ~Author Unknown


Forget love — I'd rather fall in chocolate! ~Attributed to Sandra J. Dyke

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HUMOROUS POETRY

I was waiting at the bus stop
For the number four
But when it finally reached me
It said “Sorry can’t take no more”

I’ve picked up so many passengers
They are hanging out the door
They are sitting three to a seat
And squashed upon the floor

I’ve got old Mavis Trotter
Who’s been out to get her tea
She’s bought up half the supermarket
And takes up six seats you see

And then the United football team
Are crammed in across the back
The coach keeps blowing his whistle
As he swings from the luggage rack

Old Dr Green has trouble walking
Because his patients are far and wide
His bunions are playing up terrible
And there’s a limp in his stride

He’s on his way to the hospital
With Mrs Haycainth Green
Whose son Billy has got chicken pox
And the largest spots you’ve seen

Then there’s the local ballet school
Who are pirouetting in the aisle
Today they are starring in a show
With their teacher Miss Ima V. Agile

I mustn’t forget Mrs Eggerton Pink
Who’s car has broken down
She taking her seven St Bernards
To the vets at the end of town

And finally there is the boat club
Who are going on a weekend trip
They’ve rucksacks are stuffed full
Of things to take on their ship

And so you see we have no room
So please don’t make a fuss
Cos if you wait just a little while
There’ll soon be another bus

This poem was written/submitted by Phyliss.

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HUMOROUS QUOTES

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown

 

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Stephen Wright

 

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
- Stephen Wright.

 

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy

 

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
-Bruce Baum

 

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeners.

 

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

 

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

 

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra

 

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
- Walter Bagehot

 

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Yogi Berra

 

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.
- Robert Gronock.

 

Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
- Frank

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

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Image Sharing

 

HUMOR

You know you are addicted to the internet when...

You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

Your start introducing yourself as 'John at I-I-Net dot com.'

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their name.

You can't call your mother - she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 2400 modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

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You refer to going to the bathroom as [downloading].

You tell the cab driver you live at: http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: 'The computer cannot come to bed.'

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-).

You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat..."

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Image Search

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Old Age is a Gift - I Have Decided

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body - the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 am, and sleep until noon?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love.. I will I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old!

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten, and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say 'no', and mean it. I can say 'yes', and mean it

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day

  Author: Unknown

 

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What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Training Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

 


Submit your own quote            KEEPING SUE TOGETHER.





 

Albert Einstein - When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

 

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Oxymorons:

Definition of OXYMORON

: a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (as cruel kindness); broadly : something (as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements ox·y·mo·ron·ic adjectiveox·y·mo·ron·i·cal·ly adverb

  • Act natural.

  • This report is filled with omissions.

  • I can't remember having a more memorable time.

  • No one goes to that restaurant anymore
    ?--it's always too crowded.

  • By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.

 

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

 

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

 

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- Katherine Cebrian

 

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben

 

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
- Dave Barry

 

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
- David Letterman

 

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

 

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
???- Jon Hammond

 

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
????- Dick Cavett

 

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fletcher Knebel

 

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943

 

The covers of this book are too far apart.                             

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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

Author Unknown            

Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice

 

Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just don't care.

 

A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

 

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

 

Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!
 
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

 

Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.

 

Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

 

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

 

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

 

H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!

 

I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit

 

Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created."
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

 

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

 

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents

 

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

 

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Now, the guy who invented the other three... he was the genius.

 

I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird.

 

Evening news: Where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To make things simple...let's automatically assume that everything I say is right

 

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

 

"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, just spots."

 

I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for

 

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

 

          

 

 

 

I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!

 

Don't judge a book by its movie.

 

The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Walking On Water


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